Journalling --October 31, 2009 -- Twelve Steps and Listening

Nearly twenty-five years ago, I was in counseling with an Episcopal priest, who gave me an assignment to write a letter to God. In the next session, I read and we discussed my letter and my relationship to “God”. For the next session, the priest gave me the assignment of writing a letter from God to me.

It seemed very strange and awkward, but I was in enough pain to be willing to do anything he asked. At the next session, we processed my letter and my experience and insight in writing the letter. As I was reflecting on my writing, it occurred to me that the amazing experience that I had with this assignment might be “useful” as a daily spiritual activity.

Almost every day since then, I have done this very thing – a “letter” to God about what was going on in my life, my feelings, and what I was struggling with – and a “letter” of what I felt God saying to me. It has been a wonderful and life changing experience of spiritual enlightenment – of increasing conscious Presence with a loving God, whom I have learned to call “Mom and Dad”. I would like to share some of this experience with you here.

October 31, 2009
Mom & Dad,
Good morning! Everything is moving in on me with this cruise coming. I feel anxious, pressured – afraid that I will not have prepared coverage for K’s practice adequately. Please help me and lead me. What do I need to know and do today?

Listening. Always, always learning to listen. We are “hear” – hear and feel our breathing Presence within you.
Your course swings in and out. Questions trigger inner undisclosed wounds – energies stored in stasis chambers (of your brain – near your heart. Connection and separation – swinging in and out – listening for our voices – through the darkened walls of your mind.
The entrance to new places emerges from the debris of old experiences – mangled pieces of discarded selves – like the valley of dry bones (Bible) – and as you stand – open – in our Presence – the “bones” begin to come together and life begins to regenerate inside of you. Living tissue – blood vessels full of spiritual Presence – flowing – throbbing – then beating smoothly – life flowing and beating as you become – alive – loved and nurtured by our caring and unconditional Presence.
Lifeless becomes lifefull.
We are here.

"A merry heart doeth good like is medicine,

but a broken spirit drieth the bones."

Proverbs

(Inspirational life quote from a meditation book):
“Intuition is a spiritual faculty and does not explain, but simply points the way.” Florence Scovel Shinn
“We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.”
Seems to me that if “spiritual” means higher Presence, then energy from intimate closeness with you fills the mental voids (of my brain) created by past injuries of separation.

As a human, you want to “know” things – clear, dependable, usable information. Nothing that is knowable is real – they are only thoughts – fixed patterns of neural energy within the brain. Thoughts are created out of space and time – which are also, “not real” – only perceptions of the brain.

The necessity and importance of “love” is that in its truth, experience and thought forms -- creates a bridge from thought to our Presence – an emerging consciousness called intuition – spiritual enlightenment, awareness that exceeds the facility and use of words. Words are only as real as the presence experienced through them. Eventually – as you move and become closer to us, words will dissolve into the nothingness that they are – and what will be left is an intimate connection which can be best described from this side as “love”.

Love is greater than faith, because it is the highest level of faith. Faith is most frequently thought. Belief means one thinks a certain statement to be true. Love means one experiences such an intimate connection with us that thoughts and words disappear and all that is left is conscious Presence, closeness, unconditional acceptance and companionship – with us – to others. There are no longer explanations – thoughts and words – because you have transcended matter –becoming spiritually Present – intuitively “knowing” things that your brain can not know or process.

Flow.

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We Need More Than Answers -- Twelve Steps

Computers are useless.
They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso

Answers are the enemies of spiritual solutions. Knowledge is the enemy of spiritual enlightenment. Intellect disables spiritual experiences. Psychology is the enemy of spiritual Presence and nurturing intimacy.

What do answers, knowledge, intellect and psychology all have in common? They are based on mental thought and not on spiritual experience. So they produce a distraction which gives temporary relief to inner separation and pain. But ultimately it creates more separation – and therefore more pain.

We need something – Someone – who gives more than answers – who brings intimate spiritual enlightenment into the darkness of our abandonments – Someone whose loving and caring Presence brings spiritual healing to our wounded souls.

WE have this Someone – when we are WE!

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Spiritual Messages from FaceBook -- Twelve Steps to Spiritual Living

For me, FaceBook has become a wonderful source of daily inspirations and spiritual Presence. I am very grateful to the wonderful people who share their personal experiences, strengths, and hopes – allowing me to listen to my God in their words …… and in my own responses to their words. My God is always speaking …. It is really helpful –blessings and gifts -- to have so many friends who are willing to be Their messengers….

I would like to share some of my experiences with you …..

Hope – or Not…..

Keli: “Hope is an extension of our Faith that God will fulfill his promises” ~ Givens ( From "The
Dopeless Hope Fiend")

Will: For me, hope can be a preoccupation with a mentally induced fantasy/delusion of what could happen .... like a child who believes in the myth of Santa Claus and is expecting a desirable outcome based on their fantasy .... a mental distraction .... loss of consciousness ….
Or hope can be the intuitive sense of okness, wellbeing and loving closeness that comes from a steadily ... improving "conscious contact with God" .... a peace that passes all understanding .... a joy unspeakable and full of wondrous Presence .... a hope that is not disappointing because Their love is being poured generously and steadily into our hearts ..... a spiritual awakening as a result of these Twelve Steps --- living spiritual principles of hope and healing.....
Where our brains stop thinking and "drinking" …..stops using some mood altering human actions –
here our hearts begin to experience .....Presence..... the ultimate spiritual "guarantee" ..... that all will well in this life ….. and in the hereafter ….



Can You?.......

Michael: “You must do the thing you cannot do.”~~Eleanor Roosevelt

Will: The problem is that we can't do what we cannot do ..... maybe that's why we need a God of our conscious contact and personal experience .... They restore us to an ability to do what THEY can do .... If we could "do it", we would not need Them .... what an incredible loss that would be .... In our weakness we are made strong in them …. we have closeness with them ..

The basis of human shame and spiritual illness is the message and belief that we can – and should – do things we cannot do. Others have held us accountable and responsible for perceptions, reactions, actions -- and outcomes -- that we could not control. I experience that my God looks not at my actions and outcomes but at my “heart” …. And Their perception of me – and others – is that we are special, good enough – in fact wonderful – and unconditionally loveable and worthy of being cared about by Them …. They reprogram my brain to see me and others through Their eyes and “mind”….

Simple … But Not Easy ….

Keli: A simple program ~ The program is simply sharing, working the Twelve Steps, attending meetings, and practicing the principles of the program.
Our complicated lives can be made a lot less complicated if we concentrate on a few simple things sharing our experience, strength, and hope with others, regular meeting attendance, and practicing the principles of the program in our daily lives.
By sharing our experience, strength, and hope with others, we provide a powerful example for newcomers to follow. The effort we put into helping others also helps keep self-centeredness, the core of our disease, at bay.
Many of us pick one group, a home group, whose meetings we attend faithfully. This regularity gives some routine to our lives, and lets others know where they can find us if they need us.
Practicing the Twelve Steps in our daily lives makes the difference between a balanced recovery and simply not using. The steps give us some much-needed guidance in managing our everyday affairs.
Yes, we are complex people. But Twelve Steps programs simplifies our lives, enabling us to live a life free from active dependence. Our lives can be filled with serenity and hope when we live by the guidance of the simple principles of our program.
Just for today: I will remember that, while I am a complex person, Twelve Steps is the simplest way for me to make my life less complicated.
Copyright © 1991-2010 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc


Will: I do a 12 Step Spiritual Maintenance group on Thursdays, and today we were sharing about this subject: the Twelve Steps program is simple but not easy. The reason for this is that the intellectual concepts and directions are mentally "simple" and easy to understand by the cerebral cortex part of the brain. But dependency, and addiction are not located the intellectual cerebral cortex part of the brain. It is located in the involuntary, non-cognitive primitive part of the brain. So we can literally know what to do that is healthy and right, and be totally incapable of doing it or of responding rationally to that knowledge.... Literally, the basics of recovery are intellectually simple --- but virtually impossible to practice .... by me .... That's why we start with Step One: we admitted (and experienced) that we were powerless -- helpless to override the perceptions and reactions of our wounded brains .... powerlessness and helplessness becomes the basis for and beginning of true spiritual experience -- conscious contact with God .... This is my experience, strength and hope ....


We Need to Lose Our Minds ……

Thinus: Sometimes you have to lose your mind before you come to your senses...

Seren: So strange, I was just thinking that. Kind of like "hitting bottom"?
Thinus: Yup that's it.
Seren: Not my favorite memory, but definitely the catalyst for grace.
Nurse Mary: yea and we must always remember our bottoms have a trap door!!
Bronwyn: So that's what is happening to me - and I have so much to look forward to - finding my senses and coming to them! yay! Can't wait!


Will: My experience: "hitting a bottom" was losing my mind .... otherwise, my thoughts would be still anesthetizing my feelings -- my " senses" ..... and I would be convinced that "I can and should handle ‘it’." .... "it's just not that bad" .... thinking is more mood altering than drinking or drugging .... Most people never really recover because they are never able to “lose their minds” ….. and experience the truths of our helplessness without steady, conscious interaction with our God ….

The Need to Fall Down to Look Up ….

Angie: "When you fall down, look around. You may discover something you couldn't see when you were standing up.".......................

Will: If I had never "fallen", I would never have "discovered" – or experienced consciously -- my God's loving Presence .... to grow in Their Presence, I must continue to “fall” ….. from my humanness….
If we are not careful, our brains will use our appearance of success with certain outcomes as proof that we can and should understand and control “our lives”…. The gifts of “failures” are awarenesses and conscious experiences that we are powerless … alone …



Theodore: Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” --Wilson(via Denise)


Will: My experience: to confront my "dark selves" can be like attacking a wounded and cornered animal ..... dangerous at best .... our dark selves are lost selves who were wounded by separations and abuse ... they need to be loved and nurtured into God's love light, and brought home to be restored to our truest Self .... they don't need anymore rejection and abuse ....
(As I journalled about my dark or shadow selves, I realized that these are parts of me that are the furtherest from conscious Presence with my God … the most wounded, terrorified, enraged – instinctively self protective …. They are not bad – but very, very hurt …. and abandoned ….)


Being Perfect ….

Loretta: The word "perfect" doesn't mean that we have to do everything just right and live without making a mistake. Thank God, b/c we can't to that! It means "devoted" ~ a heart dedicated, loyal and faithful to God. The Word tells us that God shows Himself strong in behalf of those whose hearts are "perfect" toward Him (2 Chron.16:9)

Will: For me: "perfect" is an expression of the attitude of unconditional love and care -- and clarity of perception -- that God has toward us .... They do not see us as wrong or bad ... in Their eyes, we are "perfect" .... They would only like for us to stop abusing our selves with our shame, and self-abuse ..... Perfectionism is the state of being unable to accept that we are already perfect .... at least in Their eyes .... In our human eyes. we generally "suck", never good enough, always wrong and bad – in one way or another ..... Maybe being "restored to sanity" includes beginning to see our selves through Their eyes.... not through the painful separation of our diseases of humanness and dependency .... Conscious intimate contact with out God clears away the unhealed distortions of the past …
Maybe the closest to a mistake we can be is to perceive that we are mistakes.....

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Waves of Returning Selves -- Spiritual Awakening

Motions. Massive, massive motions.

Waves and waves of flowing, fluid sensation –

from somewhere –

sometime – elsewhere –

washing .... washing across –

over -- the neural pathways ....

patterns ....of my brain ..... repeating ....

replaying .... recurring .... patterns of sensation .,,,,

lost in the past of unremembered silence ....

and desperation .....

seemingly disconnected .....

seemingly abandoned ...

struggling to stand alone, erect

against rising tides of past selves ....

rushing forward, toward .....

into depths and shallows of my soul.

I am being flooded with what I cannot see .....

overwhelmed by what I cannot remember ....

crowded deep into narrow crevices of my mind,

vacant corridors of long forgetting..... then .....

from somewhere from beyond comes that Voice –

narrowed sounds within my heart .....

expanding into lightening and softening reminders ....

we may not be alone – unloved – forgotten....

invited to follow the waves .... Their waves ....

going home

Illusions Of "Control" and "Knowledge" -- Practicing Twelve Steps

……..the human condition is able to have a remedy. All it takes is having the control of it…….. and to know…….. Voltaire

“Control” and “know” are interesting concepts in modern and non-modern thought. They assume that we and our brains have abilities and freedoms that contradict severely the history of the disease of being human.

If we have control – if we chose – why would we choose to suffer and die horrible lives – or survive the experience under the anesthesia of blinding distractions and mental obsessions? Why would we inflict such incredible pain on ourselves by harming others? We are one – I cannot hurt you without destroying me.

The concept that humans can somehow achieve control over themselves and their lives and outcomes is really unsupportable by observable human experience.

What the masters of sleight of hand, and mirrors and fog try to use to confuse and shame us is the periodic ability of humans and “heroes” to seemingly rise above instinct and disease to do and become the extraordinary – or ordinary. Because the brain does not always reject desirable behavior or action does not prove that if we try hard enough, we can achieve control. Humans can fly – if they have a plane or jet pack. Otherwise, they are ground dwellers.

And some days we manage to be unconscious enough to achieve the illusions of happiness, when really our brain has simply suppressed our ability to feel pain.

If we have control, we should never have to be unhappy, sad, or disappointed again. Show me someone for whom this is true – who is emotionally conscious and not medicated by some drug or outcome.

“Know” – a human derivative of the illusion of “control”. Knowledge is the creation of the cerebral functions of the brains neuroprocessor – the cerebral cortex. It is believed by the brain that what it perceives, it knows as facts, and understands, and therefore it is able to control behavior, reactions, and outcomes. The problem is that the cerebral cortex operates at the “pleasure” or pain of the primitive part of the brain. So it “knows” only what it is allowed to know. The primitive brain automatically and involuntarily controls the operations of the brain in order to maintain stability. We know nothing – we only have perceptions – and reactions – that are controlled without our conscious input into their occurrence.

Hence, the power and significance of the First Step of the Twelve Steps: “We admitted that we were powerless – that our lives had become unmanageable.” We cannot control or know anything.

When we truly experience this truth, and connect with a higher Presence (Step Two), we no longer need to know or control – we are restored to a “sanity” – an emotional balance and a spiritual awakening – that no longer requires knowing or controlling – just the consistent maintenance of an improving conscious intimate contact with Them. The rest becomes history – and Presence.

Love Heals -- Spiritual Healing and the Twelve Steps

Love cures people, the ones who receive, and the ones that give it, too.
Karl A. Menninger

“Love” is an interesting word in our culture. People can love ice cream, clothes, movies, TV shows, vacation places – and other people. Somehow the same word does not seem to mean the same in each situation.

And yet, the impression we can get from others is that everyone knows exactly what the word means. Frequently this seems to really be a case of “missing identity.”

Dr. Menninger describes “love” as the cure for people. I agree with his statement, only I believe we have to clarify what aspect of spiritual healing “love” involves.

Perhaps a place to start is with what “illness” does humans have that needs to be “cured” – why do we need spiritual healing at all.

In my experience, all human illness is caused by separation – from God, from others, and most acutely from ourselves. The condition of humanness is one of loneliness, guilt, fear, pain, anger – and sadness. All of these symptoms are directly related and proportionate to our level of our personal separation and sense of abandonment.

So what does love do that can cure our disease of humanness? Maybe “love” is about being intimately reconnected to God, to others, and to ourselves.

My experience is that God interacts with humans by means of Presence – an unconditional availability and flow of “loving” interpersonal energy which could be the definition of “love”.

Perhaps, if we were to interact with others using unconditional attentiveness and companionship, and gifts of caringness – spiritual presence to others -- maybe we would find people who responded to this spiritual treatment, and experienced spiritual healing of their human condition. Maybe like Dr. Menninger said, we would also find ourselves experiencing spiritual healing and spiritual enlightenment as well.

Let’s try and see.

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Experience Life's Precious Moments
Precious MomentsPrecious Moments
> Precious Moments

Poem: "Re-emerging Selves" -- Twelve Steps

My silence pounds walls of repetitive wordings,
living encapsulating in blocks of sound,
flashes of remembering
the unforgotten swirls of past moments –
events and experiences in the “Now”
of my human beingness.
Every object, event, coated
in emotional energy and glistening
with presence and absence – won and lost.
My mind has fashioned,
constructed…
reconstructed…
demolished….
and reconstructed…
so many selves of experience…
into narrow streams of solidified thought….
Dammed by survival…
resisting possible fluidity…
walls of blindness created in desperate silence…
I am….
We are…..
Reemerging…..
from desolation and destruction…..
looking … for what is still hidden…
so deep….
in the presents of the past.

From my Journal: March 5, 2008