For me, I always confused "choices” with "options", and believed I could control aspects of my life for which I was actually totally powerless .... I would "chose" to do or say one thing, and would do or say something totally different .... and damn myself to the hells of my own self-induced shame and blame ....
The concept of “choice”, in my experience, is a symptom of mental and spiritual dissociation – massive losses of selves -- disconnected and trying to operate independent of each other to protect and care for themselves. Some label this negatively as “ego”.
“Choice” means there is a “chooser” and a “choice”, two different entities separated by some trauma induced psychosis of self, of absence of Presence, and of necessity to operate independent of intuitive wisdom and spiritually intimate nature. Each “choice” represents a dissociated self who becomes attached to the outcome which that choice may or may not represent. Ultimately the dissociated self with the strongest urgency – limbic survival necessity – will determine one’s behavior and words – no matter the cerebral brain’s awareness of likely or ultimate consequences or preferences.
For me, Step One was the beginning of conscious experience of my separated and lost selves, and the beginning of my conscious experience of my human dependency on a Presence greater than my selves who could empower me to know what I wanted to do or say, and actually do or say it. It is not “choice” – it is a natural intuitive flow of who I am in conscious Presence with Them -- who I am being restored to being.
Spirituality, for me, today begins with the admission, experience, and acceptance that I am ultimately totally powerless -- without Their Presence.
In the story of Jesus, there was a time when people were admiring and complimenting Jesus’s work and outcomes. His response was, “It is not I who does this, but my Father who is in me, He does the work.” He refused to accept the illusion of power of choice over his actions and outcomes. Everything he did and accomplished was a direct result of his intimate connection with his Father. He refused to accept credit for his successes and positive outcomes.
This is my experience as well. I cringe when I hear people say that they “chose” not to drink or drug, or participate in some unhealthy behavior today. For me, this statement is the equivalent of stepping away from conscious connection with my God, and telling my self I can now handle my life – the damning delusion of “free will”. In over twenty years of recovery, I have seen and experienced the hellish results of such spiritual and mental psychosis.
It's not hard -- it is impossible!!!!
